The following was submitted by Cathy, who was on the Today show interviews and Joy Behar interview with Gary, discussing her infidelity and what she learned from her experiences.
I am humbly thankful and grateful for Gary allowing me to tag along for something so big as the Today Show. He took a chance on me, having only met me the week before, by inviting me up there on live T.V. It’s hard for me to express what that experience did for me…how it made me feel…as scary as it was. After an entire year spent feeling like a failure who could never move forward, the experience of last Wednesday has given me strength that is difficult for me to describe. Maybe a better way to phrase it is that I now feel a purpose from all of this.
I ran into a friend one day last spring, at the gym, who I hadn’t seen for months. She asked me how things were, knowing what had happened with me. I told her that, it being too late to save my own marriage, I felt the need to try to help other save theirs. We both started crying right there.
I didn’t go on T.V. to necessarily tell the details of my story, although, if I thought it might save someone else’s marriage to do so, I would, in a heartbeat. I did it in support of all of us out there who are, or were, married, and realize that it really is the best thing going in so many ways, and we should be fighting like mad to save it, treasure it, keep it, honor it, respect it, appreciate it, and model it so that our children have a chance to experience all the wonderful things that a good marriage brings into our lives. I went on T.V to admit my mistake so I can hopefully help others NOT make the same one, or correct it faster than I did. I went on T.V. with Gary, because since the first time I saw him on Oprah, 14 years ago, he made an impression on me that I respected, understood, admired, and fully support in terms of how he is helping so many people in this world. His message is simple…so pared down, compared to all the psycho-babble that is currently in the therapy world.
Going forward, now that I laid the groundwork of admitting what I did to help cause the failure of my own marriage, I feel like I am ready to be speaking up for marriage and the commitment that it needs to be…speaking out against divorce, and the weakness that it (most often) demonstrates, speaking up for the importance of family, and tuning out all the insigificant things (activities, screens, friends) in order keep our spouses, our children, and our families connected to eachother. What else do any of us really need if we have a truly loving, connected family? And think about all that we would be setting each other up to feel, and accomplish, and experience in life if that was our base to push off from?
Gary's Reconnect to Love Intensive Program
WHY DOES MY HUSBAND KEEP TELLING ME ALL OF THE THINGS HE DOES FOR ME?
DEAR GARY,
My husband is always telling me the wonderful things he’s doing to make me happy. If he makes the bed, makes calls on my behalf, works hard at work, I hear about it. The other day he had to take care of a health insurance issue and he made sure to tell me that it took over two hours and three phone calls in case I thought it went smoothly. I don’t constantly tally up what I do for him and I find it childish for him to do this. My friends told me her husband doesn’t do this so why is mine?
Either he has low self-value or you’re not appreciating him enough… or both. Telling him to stop obviously hasn’t worked. Have an honest conversation about what he’s looking to gain from these comments. If you want it to diminish, the best thing you can do is send more appreciation his way. Appreciation is crucial. My research reported that unhappily married men said the number one thing they wanted in their marriages is more appreciation.
Whenever I ask a couple to list the things they appreciate about each other, they always come up with a very short list. When I mention the obvious missing points like being a good parent, working hard to make money, the person always tells me, “But he/she is supposed to do that.”
Most spouses make the mistake of believing that appreciation is only given when someone has gone well beyond the call of duty. Yet every one of us wants to be noticed and loved for our hard work regardless of whether or not it is our responsibility. Appreciation can be as easy as a simply hug, thank you, loving gesture (her favorite flower, his favorite magazine). It’s more about a focus and a culture that encourages appreciation than tireless energy.
Whether or not he should be telling you about the “wonderful things he does” is the subject of the Talmud written approximately 2,000 years ago. It sums up that one should tell that he is the giver of the gift if the recipient will not figure it out on his own. However, if will be be clear to the recipient that you gave the gift, you should not mention it.
When a spouse is giving a gift, he or she should tell the spouse of the time, effort, and approximate cost, if it will in no way be clear. This is not tooting your own horn but rather elaborating that you love your spouse and are willing to go the extra mile to make your spouse happy and continue to create a loving relationship. If the receiving spouse will know of the gift and the energy and/or money it took, then it’s unnecessary to mention it. Under those circumstances, telling the recipient could be a way of bragging, trying to make the person feel guilty, or getting something in return. That person may have an excessive need to call attention to his actions so that he can be praised. If you feel this is the case, have a frank, loving conversation about it while listening carefully with a willingness to confront yourself and evaluate if you can be more appreciative as well.
When a gift is given from a spouse, it becomes the recipient’s job to be properly appreciative so that the gift does indeed create a warmer, more loving moment between spouses. Don’t wait for the big gifts. Appreciate the little things as well.