The recent public display of acrimony between Christie Brinkley and ex husband Peter Cook reminds us of what goes wrong with divorce.
How does it affect their two teenage children?
1. When you criticize your child’s parent, you criticize her DNA. Our children rightfully feel that they are drawn on both of their parents. If a child hears something negative about her parent, she identifies herself in the same negative way. After all, parents and children are one and the same.
2. Adolescence is an unstable time. A teen is already trying to manage hormonal and physical changes. Add parents who are publicly spiteful and it will be overloading for any teen.
3. Teens are supposed to be falling in love. They are getting ready for that age of innocence, whisperings of love and partnering with member of the opposite sex. What a severe disturbance to this natural process when they see their once in love parents publicly humiliating each other and their children in the meantime. It makes a teen distrust love and intimacy.
4. Kids of divorce crave privacy. They feel a bit ashamed that their family may be seen as “broken” and unfixable. This causes too many children to never discuss their issues with anyone, even friends, for fear of being seen as “other” or sick. Imagine having all of the dirty family laundry let out for all to see and wondering if kids at school are whispering behind their backs about their family’s divorce.
5. Kids of divorce must have a place to express. Healing comes through loving connections and the ability to express our feelings. When a child hears her parent insult the other parent, that child loses her faith in confiding with that parent. That child now fears that sharing her issues will incite an explosion or worse yet, the parent will betray the confidence and speak about it publicly. Therefore, that child sadly loses her ability to express to the two most important people in her life. When a child can’t express herself in a healthy way she’ll either have to swallow her pain, which often leads to depression or suicidal thoughts, or numb her pain through use of drugs and alcohol.
Please, let’s all take note and give your children the confidence that although perhaps your marriage did not work, your life as parents must stay secure. Your children’s lives really do depend on it.
Gary's Reconnect to Love Intensive Program
Should I Stay Married for the Kids
Should I stay in a bad marriage for the sake of the children?
Too many therapists think they have the easy answer whether to stay because divorce is often destructive to children or leave because if the parents are happier, the children will be better off.
The facts speak for themselves. Divorce wreaks havoc on children’s lives. It often doesn’t do much for adults either. Second marriages have higher divorce rates than first marriages. And just when you thought it was safe to date, third marriages have a higher divorce rate than first and second marriages. It isn’t long before ex spouses realize that they will be eternally intertwined managing their children’s lives together.
These facts should not convince you to stay in a marriage at all costs, but to try again and again to save your marriage for the sake of your children. Couples commonly divorce after years of turmoil and fighting. For children, divorce is never the beginning or end. Children whose parents are marching toward divorce have already spent most of their lives trying to cope with their parents’ painful dissension. Then when divorce strikes, they lose their sense of family, the very thing they held onto in order to cope in the first place.
Spouses get to that place of exasperation, feeling there is no way out other than divorce. It’s that feeling of, “anything is better than this.” Whereas many who divorce don’t necessarily want to return to the marriage as it was, they do wish they would’ve done things differently or tried again to save their marriage. After seeing their children’s post divorce angst or their own, they often wonder if there was a better way.
Consider these options when trying again to save your marriage:
Try something new. Many people tell me they’ve tried saving their marriage 1000 times. But trying some technique a few times, seeing that it isn’t working, and then trying the same thing another 997 times isn’t advisable. What haven’t you tried yet? Therapy is an obvious answer. Have you gone to therapy? Did you go long enough? Often, couples stop after a few sessions. It’s counterintuitive to think that a relationship in crisis can be saved through a few hours of therapy. Consider other forms of therapy, whether a marital weekend or DVD program, self help books, a week away without the kids to discuss things uninterrupted.
A new conversation with your spouse. Couples end up arguing for years, being unable to discuss their issues or future with any calmness. Have a meaningful heart to heart conversation alone with your spouse that begins with something like, “Our family and love is too important to end it this way. Let’s consider all of our options.”
Don’t keep hoping without taking action. It’s the reason spouses are so frustrated. They argue and never find any resolution. Hope is crucial to a better marriage but it doesn’t work like some magic potion. What are each of you doing to change?
Create realistic expectations at this time. If things are going to get better, it’ll take time. But you should feel changes along the way.
Make saving your marriage your new job. Face the fact that if you were going to save your work or your child’s well being, it wouldn’t happen by giving it some “extra” time you steal away when everything else is done. Saving marriages is an enormous task and just isn’t going to happen with a little more focus. Give it the love and attention it needs.
All of this doesn’t apply to any spouse who is being abused where separation is indicated and then one can consider whether it is possible to work on the marriage. If divorce is the option you take, learn everything you can about how to help your children through it; it’ll make all the difference in their world.