My brother called me and told me how impressed he was with Newt’s response at the last debate regarding his women. Newt stood up for himself and after all isn’t that what we need in a president?

What we probably need is someone with intelligent and creative policies that will help America but ironically, the vast majority of voters won’t be voting with that in mind, regardless of what they might think. In fact, I dare say that when you vote, it’s unlikely you will know more than 2 clear differences in your candidate’s policies. Sure, you may know this one is better for the environment or that one is more dedicated to creating jobs but you really don’t know with any clarity how each one may be planning on accomplishing any of that. Maybe you read each one’s “This is what I’m going to do for you” manifesto, but ultimately, it won’t decide your vote.

Your vote will be cast on one issue: your personal impression of character. Ridiculous? An intelligent voter should stick to policies? Really? But we’ve learned that policies are easily written and easily memorized and spit out as smooth soundbites (Rick Perry might disagree). Who’s to say that your candidate will follow through or is even planning to maintain his policies? That comes down to character; which candidate is going to make you feel that he is trustworthy, understands you and will behave the way you think a president should.

Thus begins the candidates’ fight for your psychology. How many debates are needed to learn everyone’s policies? We watch every debate not in the hope of some deeper understanding of policy but in the hope that some response will convince us that the man behind the policy is going to say something that will make us feel he’s presidential or not. If he can’t remember his policy (oops) or can appear strong in the face of confrontation, that could make the difference in your vote.

Newt cheated. It might make you feel that he’s untrustworthy. He knows that and that’s why he refers you to his daughters. After all, if they aren’t mad at him for it, why should you be? Unfortunately, we can’t talk to Mitt’s dog’s daughters for clarification. Do you feel more comfortable with a rich man or one less wealthy or one who’s rich but talks as if he’s not wealthy? Do you want a Washington outsider or insider and what exactly does that mean? It means whatever you have attributed to it. Does Mitt make you feel passionate? Newt seems passionate about anything. Does Mitt make you feel he understands you? Perhaps Newt is making you feel that he’ll fight for you. Perhaps, but let’s be clear, it has nothing to do with policy and everything to do with what the candidate can say or do to make you feel confident in him. And your candidates know it and will do everything they can to try to figure you out. We talk about the psychology of our candidates while our candidates are thinking about one thing and one thing only, the psychology of you.

For one, it’s hard to remember that being famous in no way indicates a personality that is any healthier than the rest of humanity. We ascribe to them superhuman qualitites that makes them impervious to all ills but the truth is that the famous are as vulnerable and challenged as everyone else. Now imagine how complicated it is to have a successful marriage? In fact, the large majority (70% in my national research) of people who marry are either divorced or unhappily married.

Here’s 3 significant issues that celebrity marriages have to deal with that all of us can learn from:

#1. Imagine how stressful life is on a good day and then add the incredible pressure of being an enormously popular figure. How hard it is to get your spouse to focus on you over dinner at your favorite restaurant without glancing at his iphone? Can you imagine what would happen if everyone around you or even camera flashes were staring you down? When you’re famous, everything becomse stressful. What you’ll be wearing tonight might cross your mind a few times when you’re only worried about bumping into friends when out with your spouse. How many more times does it cross your mind when the whole world will be viewing? This added life stress is so disruptive to a celebrity marriage, it takes superhuman effort (or rather, unusually healthy communication and a real plan to find private time for love) to make it work. Of course, in the Kardashian case, the public viewing of all things Kardashian is warmly invited. Publicity is supremely appreciated, above all apparently.

#2. What’s the one thing every marriage needs a lot of? Sacrifice and the ability to negotiate differences. Not easy for the average spouse; practically impossible for the celebrity. When you walk around all day with people fawning over you and giving you high fives for every thought you have in your head, it’s not easy to hear your spouse critique you or request you do something outside your comfort zone (which to certain celebs could translate to anything other than what that celeb would like to do). And the wealthier and more famous you are, the harder it is to change yourself or your plans at the request of another.

#3. Most celebrities live a life of spousal separation and don’t realize it. They think it’s what spouses do, spend weeks and months away from each other while doing their famous thing. But true love needs consistant vibrancy brought by warm sharing and giving. Love isn’t built on check ins here and there and fun weekends inbetween long swaths of separated time.

What can we all learn from celebrity marriages and their unfortunate failures? It takes a great deal of focus and loving work to make a marriage successful. We can’t just do our thing and figure true love will work no matter what. True love is when two people care enough going into marrige to create an environment that will properly nurture their mutual love. Take time tonight to hug and kiss your spouse and let him/her know how important love is. Then make a plan to get out for an evening and enjoy each other; hopefully there won’t be any cameras in your way.

Just released: men with a variant in the gene DRD4 are 30% more likely to cheat. Here come the excuses… Clearly, genetic predispositions affect our desires and impulses but do NOT dictate cheating anymore that it would someone with an anger gene being excused for murder.

But it does let us know that there are some who have greater impulses for thrill seeking (that’s what the gene is more about, not sex) and controlling that impulse may indeed take more strength for those who fall into this genetic category.

All of us have impulses and we’ve all failed at controlling them at some point. Have you every overeaten, drank a bit too much, stayed up too late kicking yourself the next day when you feel lousy? You might even berate yourself that next day with, “What was I thinking?” And yet, you’ll probably do it again sometime. Impulse control is always being managed but this study attempts to explain why some are having greater difficulty than others.

The truth is that a genetic predisposition is only the start; it’s what life serves you that will more likely dictate your behavior.  What does our childhood say about us? Were we loved, nurtured, made to believe in ourselves? Or were we largely given the impression that we are not valuable, capable, or worthy? It’s never an all or nothing message but we grow into people that have this inner voice that tells us who we are and we begin seeking situations that feed those beliefs.

If you feel worthy and loved, you are able to love others easier, do things that bring you success and equally important, NOT do things that sabotage your life’s efforts. But when you feel less than, you will rationalize all sorts of behaviors that ultimately lead you to plant seeds of potential disaster and get you to the place you internally believe you should be, unworthy and full of problems.

This doesn’t mean that even the healthiest among us don’t have challenges and struggles, but it does mean that many people are inviting much more struggle into their lives than they realize.

Gene or no gene, confront and be honest with yourself.  If the consequence is something you don’t want to deal with, don’t rationalize it, and instead use the honesty to help yourself back away from it and replace it with something positive.

You had said something to the kids on today’s Oprah show along the lines of the mother doing something wrong or bad. I was under the understanding that when working with kids of divorce, it is important not to put kids against one parent, nor make judgments against either parent.  I know this can be very difficult to do while validating a child’s anger. Do you feel that my impression isnt correct? Do you think its different if the parent has done something that is clearly “wrong”? Or if one parent is not in the picture anymore?

Answer: Great point and one I’ve grappled with over the years. Yes, I’ve said on the Oprah show before, when you put down a child’s parent, you criticize her DNA. So clearly, we almost never want to criticize the other parent. However, the caveat is indeed when the other parent has abandoned or done something inappropriate. We then have to be concerned that the child will take that parent’s behavior as a traumatic rejection (they’ll take it personally no matter what, sadly). In that situation we must minimize that trauma by helping the child understand that the parent’s actions are “wrong” and never to confuse those actions as a proper response to the child’s behavior or being.

We want that child growing up understanding that the parent does the wrong thing and I’ve gone so far in extreme situation to explain that the parent may be sort of sick in the mind (just as someone may have something physically wrong that you can see, a broken bone) that stops that parent from properly loving.

The primary message is that you, child, are worth loving, deserve loving and hopefully the child you’re helping (as in this case) has a parent who is around and loves the child.  We use that parent to say that you, kid, are lovable just for being you and because you deserve love and warmth.

A. Your situation brings up various issues about family breakups and divorce. But your question about forgiveness is quite personal as its definition is truly unique to each individual.  I decided to ask your question to my facebook friends to see how they deal with the thought of forgiveness. As you’ll see, many grapple with the true meaning of it and its purpose. Below are some of the responses:

Vicki Lansky I like, “don’t let the one you are angry with live ‘rent free’ in your head.

Randy and Monica Zachary I’ve personally learned that as I forgive I’m able to be whole and free and even get personal healing. If I don’t forgive I feel stuck, miserable and bitterness will set in and rob me of living the life that I was meant to live. I make mistakes and I say things that I shouldn’t but as I go to the person I offended and ask for forgiveness my relationships grow and I can move on and grow as an individual.

Sandy Kaye I think in order to live your life honestly, you have to forgive, no matter the offense. To forgive is not to forget, but to release the toxins and venom from your own body in order to live in the present. Forgiving is not giving the other person, people, event or circumstance a free pass, but giving yourself the power to heal and love again.

Steven Geller Forgiveness absent healing is empty, yet forgiveness is the first step in healing. Perhaps what we’re leaving un-said is that for forgiveness and apology to last, it must be genuine and sincere. For a long time, I’ve lived by a principle I refer to as hineini. As you know, it literally means, “here I am.” To me it means, “right here, right now.” I am in this moment at this place. It means live right now… don’t forget the past or forsake the future, but don’t live there either. Learn from the past, plan for the future, savor the now.

Heidi Chaia Wald Mandl I can forgive almost anything. But I feel like it would be foolish to forget. It leaves you too open and vulnerable to potentially painful situations.

Forgiveness is often asked and granted without great thought or emotional understanding.  Like asking someone “how are you,” apologies become perfunctory. I find with deeply painful issues like the one you’ve experienced, many people feel such pressure to forgive that they rush to it without really achieving any peace internally. Like my friends above, I agree that forgiving is cleansing and calming but too often it isn’t because it hasn’t been dealt with in a manner that truly helps the one offended  be at peace.

Ideally, there should be an apology (unlike the situation you are in where your father seems to have never done so), and it should be one that verbalizes that the offender can begin to understand what his or her actions did to you.  Saying “I’m sorry,” has little healing effect unless there is some genuine discussion about how this hurt you. Almost always, it’s crucial for you to be given a chance to describe to the person asking forgiveness how it was for you to be the brunt of this behavior. At this point you may be willing to “forget” because you feel the person has understood how much this hurt and that in itself will significantly reduce the odds of it happening again.

However, if you’ve seen this offensive behavior repeated many times, then you should be wary of forgetting that this person is capable of hurting you in the future.  Unless this person gives firm reasoning as to why these behaviors will change (he or she has gone to therapy, changed a part of their lifestyle, will give you more transparency into their lives so you can see the behaviors have changed), it behooves you NOT to forget and to expect similar behaviors in the future.

In your case when the apology has never been forthcoming, forgiveness becomes largely about you and not your dad.  You want to find the way of healing internally and forgiveness can help. But the true issue is forgiving yourself.  When we are hurt as children, we carry pain that comes from a belief that in some way, this hurt was deserved, familiar or to be expected.

Commonly when we get hurt as adults and can’t get over it, we likely have allowed a deeper spot of pain to be scratched reminding us of our hurt, humiliation and feeling of little value. Healing this pain within is what allows us to forgive others as we realize people hurt others because they have their own issues that drive their ugly behavior; not because we should in any way be deserving of such behavior. Getting rid of this pain is getting rid of the feeling that I should be a person who ever deserves this. It’s believing that the offender is a sad, possibly pathetic individual who allows their issues to get in the way of them being a better human being.

In situations where there is no apology, it would clearly be unwise to “forget” and open yourself to similar emotional treatment in the future. Again, we’re discussing truly offensive issues here and not our garden variety daily issues of being late for dinner, not being as polite to our spouse as we should and such. In these situations we want to ask for and receive forgiveness quickly but still, depending on how much it hurt, the interaction should be with a genuine desire to better understand one another and become closer through this understanding.

In upcoming columns, I’ll discuss the issues of dealing with children when there is an infidelity. But a final note for your unique situation is for you to identify more clearly how much of your ongoing hurt over your father’s actions has to do with your loyalty for your mother who “hasn’t recovered.” Simply put, would your pain have subsided and your relationship with your dad been much different if your mother recovered and moved on with her life emotionally. If the answer is yes, then you need to consider if you are helping your mother by maintaining this loyalty. I believe after 20 years, your mother has every right to feel however she wants, but you should no longer be expected to feel any of her pain over this, at least not to the extent that it gets in the way of your own pain and relationship with your father.

Perhaps a conversation first with your mother is in order to help you be rid of any of these loyalty issues. If you never have had a conversation with your father about this, that would be advisable.  But tell him what you want from the conversation.  Explain up front that you are not looking for him to assess blame to your mother but to just understand how hurt you were to lose his presence or love and for him to just understand that.  If he begins to blame your mother, bring him back to the point that it’s unnecessary because the idea here is only to salvage your relationship and that will come through his understanding your hurt regardless of exactly how much was his fault.  Clearly a lot of it was his fault and his understanding you will be a major step in a closer relationship for the future.

My husband is always telling me the wonderful things he’s doing to make me happy.  If he makes the bed, makes calls on my behalf, works hard at work, I hear about it.  The other day he had to take care of a health insurance issue and he made sure to tell me that it took over two hours and three phone calls in case I thought it went smoothly. I don’t constantly tally up what I do for him and I find it childish for him to do this.  My friends told me her husband doesn’t do this so why is mine?

Either he has low self-value or you’re not appreciating him enough… or both. Telling him to stop obviously hasn’t worked. Have an honest conversation about what he’s looking to gain from these comments. If you want it to diminish, the best thing you can do is send more appreciation his way.  Appreciation is crucial. My research reported that unhappily married men said the number one thing they wanted in their marriages is more appreciation.

Whenever I ask a couple to list the things they appreciate about each other, they always come up with a very short list. When I mention the obvious missing points like being a good parent, working hard to make money, the person always tells me, “But he/she is supposed to do that.”

Most spouses make the mistake of believing that appreciation is only given when someone has gone well beyond the call of duty. Yet every one of us wants to be noticed and loved for our hard work regardless of whether or not it is our responsibility. Appreciation can be as easy as a simply hug, thank you, loving gesture (her favorite flower, his favorite magazine). It’s more about a focus and a culture that encourages appreciation than tireless energy.

Whether or not he should be telling you about the “wonderful things he does” is the subject of the Talmud written approximately 2,000 years ago. It sums up that one should tell that he is the giver of the gift if the recipient will not figure it out on his own. However, if will be be clear to the recipient that you gave the gift, you should not mention it.

When a spouse is giving a gift, he or she should tell the spouse of the time, effort, and approximate cost, if it will in no way be clear. This is not tooting your own horn but rather elaborating that you love your spouse and are willing to go the extra mile to make your spouse happy and continue to create a loving relationship.  If the receiving spouse will know of the gift and the energy and/or money it took, then it’s unnecessary to mention it. Under those circumstances, telling the recipient could be a way of bragging, trying to make the person feel guilty, or getting something in return. That person may have an excessive need to call attention to his actions so that he can be praised.  If you feel this is the case, have a frank, loving conversation about it while listening carefully with a willingness to confront yourself and evaluate if you can be more appreciative as well.

When a gift is given from a spouse, it becomes the recipient’s job to be properly appreciative so that the gift does indeed create a warmer, more loving moment between spouses.  Don’t wait for the big gifts. Appreciate the little things as well.

I am humbly thankful and grateful for Gary allowing me to tag along for something so big as the Today Show. He took a chance on me, having only met me the week before, by inviting me up there on live T.V. It’s hard for me to express what that experience did for me…how it made me feel…as scary as it was. After an entire year spent feeling like a failure who could never move forward, the experience of last Wednesday has given me strength that is difficult for me to describe. Maybe a better way to phrase it is that I now feel a purpose from all of this.

I ran into a friend one day last spring, at the gym, who I hadn’t seen for months. She asked me how things were, knowing what had happened with me. I told her that, it being too late to save my own marriage, I felt the need to try to help other save theirs. We both started crying right there.

I didn’t go on T.V. to necessarily tell the details of my story, although, if I thought it might save someone else’s marriage to do so, I would, in a heartbeat. I did it in support of all of us out there who are, or were, married, and realize that it really is the best thing going in so many ways, and we should be fighting like mad to save it, treasure it, keep it, honor it, respect it, appreciate it, and model it so that our children have a chance to experience all the wonderful things that a good marriage brings into our lives. I went on T.V to admit my mistake so I can hopefully help others NOT make the same one, or correct it faster than I did. I went on T.V. with Gary, because since the first time I saw him on Oprah, 14 years ago, he made an impression on me that I respected, understood, admired, and fully support in terms of how he is helping so many people in this world. His message is simple…so pared down, compared to all the psycho-babble that is currently in the therapy world.

Going forward, now that I laid the groundwork of admitting what I did to help cause the failure of my own marriage, I feel like I am ready to be speaking up for marriage and the commitment that it needs to be…speaking out against divorce, and the weakness that it (most often) demonstrates, speaking up for the importance of family, and tuning out all the insigificant things (activities, screens, friends) in order keep our spouses, our children, and our families connected to eachother. What else do any of us really need if we have a truly loving, connected family? And think about all that we would be setting each other up to feel, and accomplish, and experience in life if that was our base to push off from?