New York Times bestselling author M. Gary Neuman is a practicing licensed counselor and ordained rabbi who offers a caring, no-nonsense approach to issues in marriage, family, and personal growth. He has appeared many times on Today, the View, NPR and many other programs. Oprah referred to Gary as, "One of the best psychotherapists in the world," on his final (11th) appearance on her show.

ISBN: 978-0-470-49156-0
John Wiley & Sons Hardcover
272 pages
$25.95 US / $30.95 C
Available 1/11/11
Buy the Book

Connect to Love

Questionnaire

No simple quiz can accurately take into account the unique circumstances inherent in every relationship. This set of questions was developed based on the results reported in my study of women. It is meant to be the beginning of a conversation you may have with yourself and your partner. This quiz is not a true diagnostic tool as much as a general baseline by which to measure your situation.

Answer the questions in the section that applies to you, give the corresponding section to your partner, and then compare your answers. The answer key for both quizzes can be found at the end.

Questions for Husbands or Boyfriends

As I explained in the introduction, the information in this book applies to all partners in committed relationships. To avoid the confusion of alternating nouns, I have used “wife” throughout this quiz. If you are a boyfriend, please substitute “girlfriend” for “wife.”

1. On average, each day, I spend this amount of time talking alone with my wife:
a. ____ Five minutes or less
b. ____ Five to fifteen minutes
c. ____ Fifteen to thirty minutes
d. ____ Thirty to sixty minutes
e. ____ Over sixty minutes

2. On average, per month, I have sex with my wife:
a. ____ Ten times or more
b. ____ Six to ten times
c. ____ Five times or fewer

3. Appreciation: I believe that my wife feels:
a. ____ Appreciated by me.
b. ____ Somewhat appreciated by me.
c. ____ Somewhat unappreciated by me.
d. ____ Unappreciated by me.

4. Understanding: I believe my wife feels that:
a. ____ I regularly understand her and talk to her about her feelings and thoughts.
b. ____ I somewhat understand her and talk to her about her feelings and thoughts.
c. ____ I often do not understand her and talk to her about her feelings and thoughts.
d. ____ I regularly do not understand her and talk to her about her feelings and thoughts.

5. Time: My wife would say that:
a. ____ We do not spend enough time alone together.
b. ____ We do spend enough time alone together.
c. ____ We often spend alone time together but not nearly enough of it.

6. My wife feels that: (Choose one from each pair.)
a. ____ Other aspects of my life are more important to me than our relationship.
b. ____ Other aspects of my life are not more important to me than our relationship.

a. ____ We are no longer interested in the same things.
b. ____ We are still interested in the same things.

a. ____ Sex is too infrequent.
b. ____ Sex is frequent enough.

a. ____ Sex is unsatisfying.
b. ____ Sex is satisfying.

a. ____ I demand too much sex.
b. ____ I do not demand too much sex.

a. ____ I have significantly neglected my appearance.
b. ____ I have not significantly neglected my appearance.

7. I lose my temper and am moody and angry:
a. ____ Often
b. ____ Not often

8. In the past six months my wife has been angry at me:
a. ____ A lot
b. ____ Sometimes
c. ____ Hardly
d. ____ Not at all

Questions for Wives or Girlfriends

As I explained in the introduction, the information in this book applies to all partners in committed relationships. To avoid the confusion of alternating nouns, I have used “husband” throughout this quiz. If you are a girlfriend, please substitute “boyfriend” for “husband.”

1. On average, each day, I spend this amount of time talking alone with my husband:
a. ____ Five minutes or less
b. ____ Five to fifteen minutes
c. ____ Fifteen to thirty minutes
d. ____ Thirty to sixty minutes
e. ____ Over sixty minutes

2. On average, per month, I have sex with my husband:
a. ____ Ten times or more
b. ____ Six to ten times
c. ____ Five times or fewer

3. Appreciation: I feel that my husband:
a. ____ Appreciates me.
b. ____ Somewhat appreciates me.
c. ____ Does not appreciate me nearly enough.
d. ____ Does not appreciate me.

4. Understanding: I feel that:
a. ____ My husband regularly understands me and talks to me about my feelings and thoughts.
b. ____ My husband somewhat understands me and talks to me about my feelings and thoughts.
c. ____ My husband often does not understand me or talk to me about my feelings and thoughts.
d. ____ My husband regularly does not understand me or talk to me about my feelings and thoughts.

5. Time: I feel that:
a. ____ We do not spend enough time alone together.
b. ____ We do spend enough time alone together.
c. ____ We often spend alone time together but not nearly enough of it.

6. I feel that generally: (Choose one from each pair.)
a. ____ Other aspects of my husband’s life are more important to him than our relationship.
b. ____ Other aspects of my husband’s life are not more important to him than our relationship.

a. ____ We are no longer interested in the same things.
b. ____ We are still interested in the same things.

a. ____ Sex is too infrequent.
b. ____ Sex is frequent enough.

a. ____ Sex is unsatisfying.
b. ____ Sex is satisfying.

a. ____ My husband demands too much sex.
b. ____ My husband does not demand too much sex.

a. ____ My husband has significantly neglected his appearance.
b. ____ My husband has not significantly neglected his appearance.

7. My husband loses his temper and is moody and angry:
a. ____ Often
b. ____ Not often

8. In the past six months I have been angry at my husband:
a. ____ A lot
b. ____ Sometimes
c. ____ Hardly
d. ____ Not at all

Answer Key
1. a-0, b-5, c-7, d-10
2. a-10, b-5, c-0
3. a-10, b-7, c-3, d-0
4. a-10, b-7, c-3, d-0
5. a-0, b-5, c-2
6. a-0, b-3; a-0, b-1; a-0, b-3; a-0, b-2; a-0, b-1; a-0, b-1
7. a-0, b-1
8. a-0, b-4, c-10, d-10

If your score was:
55–66 points: Keep doing what you’re doing and apply the principles outlined in the book to make your relationship even better.

30–55 points: You both need to put in work to be happy and satisfied in the relationship. Consider the Two-Week Reconnection Program to make things better quickly.

0–30 points: Unfortunately, it’s likely there’s profound sadness and immediate, focused attention is crucial to creating a happier relationship.

If both of you did your own questionnaire, compare your answers and see if they are the same. Identifying the similarities and differences will spark discussion on how each of you thinks your relationship is going.

Copyright © 2010 M. Gary Neuman

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